Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Separation

I'm feeling very emotional tonight.  Dido left this afternoon and although I'll see her and the children again this weekend, she won't be in my house again this trip.  Knowing that soon she'll be flying back to the States and I probably won't see her until the next time she's over (two years) is horrible. I know the feeling scrapes against those illogical emotional reactions I've had since Juliette died, where every meaningful goodbye feels like a death. 

I don't want people to go.  I didn't want Juliette to go, but she went. This time nine years ago we were enjoying heavenly holiday days in Southwold, innocent and blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.  Then a chain of medical events took our little bronzed girl with sand between her toes and pink nail varnish on her fingers and killed her without ceremony.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and ashamed for doing so.  I've got so much to be grateful for, but right now I'm angry at the unfairness of what's gone on and what's going on now. I can't even talk about what's really happening, but I'm sick and tired of it. I want the family life we should have had, not this one of grief - each one of us with visible, and not so visible wounds from our war. 

A better day tomorrow.  Please.

7 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart.....you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself. Don't feel ashamed of feeling like this - it's the feeling part that makes us the complex, rich human beings that we are.

    Big, loving hugs for you and all of your lovely family, with a special kiss blown upwards for beautiful Juliette xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. My sister is coming from Canada today - I am sure I will feel similar when she leaves...hope today is indeed better, Geves. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ali, thank you for your lovely comments. Big hug back to you. xxxx

    Tricia - hope you have a brilliant time with your sister. Thank you, the light of day made everything feel more manageable. xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes, it's that wanting what you should've had which can get to you...

    Sending my love,

    Petra.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beware that black dog! I had him barking at my door last week. Just don't let him in!

    I hope you feel better now, Geves, and thinking about all the fun stuff you did with your visitors.

    Thinking of you,

    GK

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you Gypsy King, I do feel better. I think I need to take lessons from you in how to stop him getting in in the first place, however! Hope you feel stronger too.

    Geves x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Petra - doesn't it, though?

    Gxx

    ReplyDelete