Monday, 16 May 2011

Breaking free

Elodie (left) and two school friends.

Elodie starts her GCSEs today.  I remember how in the weeks before my O Grade exams (the Scottish equivalent of O Levels) I'd started grinding my teeth at night - something I still do when I'm stressed.  Elodie however is a picure of calm.  She said she felt nervous, and she had a squirt of Rescue Remedy before she left the house but she's revised hard and I'm sure the confidence of knowing that will help her through.

After her exams she's decided not to stay on at the school we chose for her, but go to a local Sixth Form College to do her A Levels.  It's got a great reputation but I can't claim that her decision (based on good, sound reasons) has not made me anxious. She's winging a path away from me, from us, and this is the first time where I'm having to bite back the urge to keep her in the place in know is "safe" and trust that she knows what she's doing.

I'd probably be afraid even without what's happened to our family.  I'll never know that for sure, but I'm fighting the need to keep her little and close to me, where I have a better chance of keeping her safe.

Good luck my darling, I'm so proud of you.

5 comments:

  1. Well done for fighting it Geves. I'm afraid that for me, it's a losing battle.

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  2. I think the crap thing that occurs to me is that our daughters died when they were little and should have been safe. My husband is really starting to freak out about whether we can cope emotionally with a child - will we be neurotic. I say we can only do one day at a time.

    Elodie looks gorgeous in her dress - and it sounds like you are coping well too. Sending you lots of love xx

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  3. And to you Susan. x

    Beverley, mine have been younger until now and I guess I'm a bit further down the road too. x

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  4. The need to keep them safe is an overwhelming urge in me too and I have not suffered the loss of a child.
    Sam who has just done his first year at uni has withdrawn from the course he was doing and is not sure what next. He flew to Holland on Friday 4 hours after he got home from uni. We've just caught up on FB as he hasn't taken his mobile with him for fear of huge bills.
    I posted this in the kitchen yesterday.

    "Its sounds really silly but C has put up a photo of her and S when they were ickle and although it was up yesterday seeing it just now made me cry. Its so hard when they are babies and you are weaning and potty training but you can't see into the future and see how it is hard emotionally when they are feldged out into the big wide world. I'm not close to my parents, I believe that I have a good relationship with my kids and hope that carries on right through their adult lives. Just being over emotional."

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  5. Cathy, that must be very hard. No one tells you that the easy bit is to make sure they're in their cots at a decent hour, and to kiss them when they graze their knees. I guess I'd probably feel similar anxiety about Elodie if her sister hadn't died, but she did and that colours my entire experience of parenting, bar the first five years before Juliette was diagnosed. I have nothing to compare it with. Wish I did.

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